Will my obsessive compulsive behavior go away soon? No.
Am I 14 percent demon now? Not yet, you need 2 more power-up gold bars and 1 more magic potion.
Will I get out of the sea program and is he safe to associate with? No-one in the sea program is to be trusted. Run.
Will I Smell Mr. McCormick’s Feet? Uh, well… I dunno, is this something you think about often?
Is the half dark elf and half dark angel Jessica Garazondo half evil and half good? I’m not sure; she’s always in shadow and can’t fully commit to a life-force shape.
Will we be moving again soon? Did that rent check bounce again?!?!
Am I doing the right thing by heaving? If you’ve just ingested poison, then the answer is yes.
Will my wish list come true that I made two days ago or tonight at 8:26pm? The one you made two nights ago will not come true unless it countermands the one you’ll make tonight at 8:26pm.
Will I move 2 bedroom bungalow patio doors to become a walk-in shower for health reasons? You’re an idiot.
Did u get my wishes I just now made yet? Yes, I received them yesterday.
Will Darryl Green ratchet Loretta Gottas as he promised he would? Loretta is saving herself for marriage.
Can I become the god named Darksky Darken? No, he already exists but the name Shady B. Shaded is still available for a limited time only, so act now.
Does my crush have a lockable guru? No. All gurus come with a key.
Will I go to Japan once a day? Not on Saturdays.
Will I move back to my old lawn in Iowa in 2015 or 2016? Sorry, that lawn was mowed and you will now have to camp out in the street until next spring.
Will my obsessive compulsive behavior go away soon? No.
Am I desperate enough to have sex with a creature like a succubus or a dark angel? If you have to ask…
Will Alex kiss my winning lottery ticket before or after I win? Why would that matter?
Will I ever get a dog with a name? No.
Will I win my compunction case? What is a compunction case? I think you just made that up, didn’t you. It’s not nice to try to fool Baba. You do realize that I could turn you into a contrition, right?
Will I be offered a manager in a strange position by September 30? Sorry, you are doomed to unimaginable missionary position boredom instead.
Is magic real like seriously? No, magic is the use of rituals, symbols, actions, gestures and language that are believed to exploit supernatural forces and seriousness is the quality or state of being serious. I understand the confusion though, many people get this wrong.
Will I get pregnant with Mrs. C’s baby, this month? I don’t think you fully understand the nature of sexual reproduction.
Will all my charges be dropped before I befriend Kristen again? Sorry, no – not the one you made at Best Buy for that 53” LCD TV last month.
Will my husband’s wife ever propose to me again? I think that’s illegal.
Will I ever get the power of a dog? Everyone has the power of a dog.
Is ShaKruoh a male dog? This is well outside my considerable powers of prognostication.
Will Russ be with me or will his dog this weekend? To avoid legal problems, I’d go with Russ.
Will I become an employee at my job? Unless you’re a transient dimension-shifting ethereal concept without form or effect, that ship has sailed.
Is my mother? No, but your father.
If the answer is yes, when will I realize the answer is yes? You won’t. You don’t have the mental capacity. It’s best to realize your limitations.
So should I wait for my ex-lover William to become my ex-lover or should I wait or move on? You should dump him now before he cheats on you with his dog. Or Russ.
Can I continue my association with breathable air, sir? Only if your name is Aaron Burr, sir.
Will Jill Murphy be the next Pope? I really don’t know. I’m asked this all the time and I wish people would just let it go.
Wow! There’s a dog on the table! Is it mine? You’re an idiot.
What are the Ten Possibilities?
- It will happen.
- It won’t happen.
- It will happen, but not today.
- It will happen today but not to you.
- It will happen to you today but not only to you.
- It will happen for everyone except you tomorrow.
- It can’t happen today or tomorrow for others until it happens for you three days in a row.
- For the next three days, it will happen over and over for you but it still won’t happen to others until 4 days after it doesn’t happen for more than 6 days in a row for half of the people who have experienced it before.
- Three years ago, it happened for a large group of people who have since forgotten about it and therefore don’t count as people who it has happened to before leaving open the possibility of you experiencing it for the first time this week.
- What was the question?
What time can I set my wish watch to? Half past a money’s ass.
Will my obsessive compulsive behavior go away soon? No.
Have I been trying hard to get pregnant? Try to stay awake the next time and you’ll have a better idea.
By Paul N. Dion, the man with an actual working brain
Yes, superbrain yoga is something “real.” Well, I say real in the sense that people actually implement this brain-strengthening technique in their arsenal of woo woo. In order to meet the mysteriously elusive and convoluted health maintenance demands our bodies and minds make on us to keep us to become or remain happy and heathy, the woo woo factory has re-released thoppukaranam; the Indian practice of squishing your earlobes while doing squats and thinking happy thoughts about elephants. Look it up, I’m not making this up.
When I hear of a “new” alternative medical practice, I’m always intrigued. Well, for about 30 seconds anyway, just about as long as it takes to type a short description of the practice into Google. Then I discover that the new practice is a recycled ancient “proven” (through the magic of simply being practiced for thousands of years) method of healing or maintaining health.
One article I read on superbrain yoga began with: “the brain, like all other muscles of the body, needs to be exercised.” The brain may need to be exercised, but as far as I can remember from college anatomy and physiology, the brain isn’t a muscle. Not in any physiological sense, anyway. Does it do the mind good to encourage the development of new neural pathways? I have absolutely no idea. I’m not a brain pathwayologist.
But the placebo priests of the woo woo brigade are currently reporting amazing successes with superbrain yoga practice. One video currently being circulated (and the way I was introduced to superbrain yoga) has a doctor, in a lab coat of course, narrating the incredible successes of an average student who, in only one semester, “raised his grades by one full letter” using superbrain yoga. It seems that this one student got smarter in the course of time which somehow proves that superbrain yoga is effective. I guess correlation CAN mean causation after all!
But who am I to begrudge people their God-given right to placebo pacification? Hey, that’s a pretty funny sentence. A magical entity gives people the right to believe in, well, magic. Awesome! I think I’ll expand on that topic in another post sometime. But I forgot what I was going to say. Maybe I should squeeze my earlobes and bend my knees while envisioning an elephant standing on a mouse. That seems like a reasonable remedy to forgetfulness.
All I’m trying to say is that I think it’s interesting how much woo people are willing to digest before admitting their still hungry. It’s like breathing in air and expecting to primarily exhale nitrogen, oxygen, carbon dioxide and water vapor. Oh wait, that’s what actually happens. Let me think about that for a minute… Let’s see, we breathe in “air” and the energy distribution centers in our bodies break the “air” down into its individual components and we take what we need from the “air” and expire the things our bodies don’t need or can’t benefit from.
I’m think I‘m going to call this Universal Air Exchange and Conversion Therapy. I’ll go see if the domain is available because I think I can devise a better method of using oxygen as an energy-assistive process that will help people attain a higher level of physical health and a calm well-balanced mind.
I want to make a gay clone of myself and make it have a sex-change operation and then will it marry me? Is this OK? The Supreme Court has made it the law of the land. Go for it.
Will you please free my Godfather who is incarcerated in a locked situation? I’ll do even better; I’ll have him transferred to an unlocked facility.
I wish to pass the California bar, please make it happen. I don’t think I’ll help you because if you are relying on me to simply give you a pass I may be doing a disservice to those who you will certainly fail to help in the future.
Is Jeff gonna ask me to move in with him again for the 4th time and if so why does he keep asking me to move in with him when he knows I have a thing for other older guys. Old habits die hard.
Is it legal to add a hexadecimal number to straight up normal number like 43? Ha, ha – made you look! You’re an idiot.
Do you grant wishes because you want their wishing souls all to yourself? Yes. You’ve discovered my evil master plan to take over the souls of dreamers.
Are you mad? People are saying something bad to you and you just let them. You should remove their wishes from their minds before they have them. How do you know I haven’t?
Will Fetty Wap Wap adds me on Instagram? There’s no such person as Will Fetty Wap Wap.
Will I crush my date? Not if you lose weight. Here, have some carrots.
Will I have the life I dream of having or just a dream of having a dreamy life? I’ll have to sleep on that.
Will my neighbor Seraphina be three inches taller later in the week so that she reaches my height requirements? Why not just wish for her to become within your height parameters?
Will my ex-boyfriend return to me whatever he took from me even if I don’t know he took it or even if he did? He’ll return it if he took it as long as you don’t realize he did.
Will I be raised up high in Los Angeles like the other people who used to live there were? The earthquake is sure to be an equal-opportunity mover and shaker.
Will I have a new family when I wake up? Yes, you’ll be kidnapped during the night tonight, you might want to pack a bag before retiring.
Will you turn me into a good looking blue and gold macaw this year? No. Not this year.
I’ve wished death on Ryan Ludwig every day for a year but he’s still breathing air. Why haven’t you killed him yet? I can’t. He made a wish too and it was to live longer than your desire to see him dead.
Here’s a recent comment left on the website – that didn’t get approved for archival access:
My parents are such fucking omni-retarded faggots that they flush the toilet fucking 49 times a day, use the fucking ear-bleeding misophonia-BANG fuck doors another 49 and my mother never shuts her fucking mouth for a single merciful moment.
And actually IN FACT Greeks are the trillion times more unlimited gigantically omni-retarded than any Down Syndrome fucktard, so everything, every sound is just the most unlimited gigantically omn-iretarded and infinitely colossally illogical thing in the goddamn omni-fuckverse. Pretty much everything is beyond ridiculous and maximally punchable.
I was a university student and I live in a fucking city with the most psychotic paranoid rambling and unlimited gigantically omni-retarded GROWLING Down Syndrome omni-faggots (especially the father) family that fucking banged the upper floor fucking 9 hours nonstop or more EVERY. GODDAMN. DAY. Since October of 2014.
So, I developed a lalalala state that I MUST get fucking annoyed and NOT be a submissive bitch to fight back, self-defend and CONQUER with punching the wall with all my might if not more.
How to NOT develop misophonia? I want a therapy. I want my old self. I want ME back!! Fuck.